Stranded
Barbara looked out into the night. The only sound was the radio playing in the background. The only pieces of furniture in the room; in the entire apartment for that matter, were a bed, a small table and a desk. The desk held her computer of course. She didn't need anything more. She didn't feel anymore. She couldn't. What Helena had done had ripped the heart right out of Barbara's chest.
Things had been so - so good. They had finally admitted that they had feelings for one another; had started dating; had started having a real relationship. The pain and lingering ghosts, remainders of the night that Harley took over the Tower, had receded finally. It had taken a while, but it had happened. And it was so good. Barbara couldn't think of any other words to describe it. She finally had everything she ever wanted. No secrets. Or so she thought.
It didn't matter how many times she replayed the scene over in her head. The same anger erupted and she couldn't seem to stop it. She couldn't find the mental distance so she could look at everything with a clear head. Dinah had even tried to argue Helena's case. Barbara just shook her head then rubbed her temples. Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. She wanted a drink, but knew that she would lose it if she started down that path. She usually did, once the alcohol got into her system.
So she sat at the window in her chair, looking out an unfamiliar view of the skyline. She had rented the first place that was handicap accessible and not a complete dump. It was in a decent neighborhood, not that it was an issue of any kind, she would have gone anywhere. She had to get away. Dick had come back to New Gotham to help out. She hadn't told him what was going on, just that she needed to leave and didn't feel Helena would be able to handle things, even a little, if at all.
To think this all happened because Bruce had come back. She always thought things would get better once he came back and donned the mantle of the Dark Knight once again. They had - for a while. Helena had finally quit acting the rebellious little girl and gave him a chance to at least talk to her. It must have been something about that Wayne/Kyle charisma. Within a couple weeks they were thick as thieves. Granted, Helena still had the ability to totally piss Bruce off, and he wasn't real sure what to think of his daughter and protégé actually being in a relationship - but all-in-all, he took it in his stride and life became a little easier.
Then, once again without a word, Bruce had left. Helena had lost it and the abandonment issues came back stronger than ever. The heavy drinking resumed and nothing Barbara did, or said, would help in calming the fears running rampant through the younger woman. Things finally escalated to the point that Barbara was sure that Helena was sleeping around, even though Helena insisted that she wasn't. Dinah even backed her on that, saying she had been following Helena and she wasn't. But there was too much hurt inside of her. Too much hurt from Helena turning away. 6 months of this bingeing and Helena pushing her lover away finally took its toll on Barbara's emotions. After another night of Helena not coming home until 6 in the morning and Barbara not sleeping the entire night, only for Helena to arrive home with 4 fractured ribs, a deep gash across her forehead and drunk as ever. Something just snapped. She patched Helena up and put her to bed, and left. No note, no explanation. Just left.
She even toyed with the idea of just leaving Gotham. But New Gotham had become more than just a home to her after working so hard to protect it for so long. She would never be able to understand how Bruce could just up and leave and seemingly not look back. Alfred, of course, had found her within 24 hours. But he was a wily British gentleman with way to many connections. Barbara made him swear not to tell a soul of where she was.
Thunder rolled across the city and the lightening lit the incredibly pale face of the red head. She had been in the apartment for 6 weeks now. She would leave it only long enough to get a quick bite to eat. Luckily, there were several little diners within a six-block radius so Barbara never had to really leave her new neighborhood.
Dusk had just blanketed the city. 'Helena is going to be in a nasty mood tonight. She never did like to go out on sweeps on raining nights. She would do just about any thing to get out of them. That is, of course, if she is in any shape to do a sweep!' Barbara thought bitterly to herself.
For the six weeks she had been in the apartment, a bottle had sat on the table, unopened. Barbara turned and looked at it. It was tempting. After a deafening thunderclap, the apartment went silent. The power must have gone out. Barbara went over and popped a couple batteries into the radio. She didn't want the silence right now. And while the sound of the rain hitting the window used to be a like a symphony to Barbara, now it only reminded her of the times she and Helena would sit on the couch cuddled up and just watch the rain, or make love to its rhythms.
Across the street, a dark shadow that had been perched on the roofs edge finally moved as the water ran down into the neck of her leather duster. Helena had woken to a silent penthouse 6 weeks ago; feeling like a truck had hit her. When Dinah told her Barbara had left and not been back, was not answering her cell and no one else had heard from her, Helena was a very worried, almost frantic. When night fell and Oracle hadn't returned, Helena had spent the night looking for her. As each day passed, Helena felt more and more heartsick. The thought of drink never entering her mind. She took to looking for Barbara for days and nights on end, not sleeping, barely eating. Dark Wing could take care of the city for now. Dinah was running the Delphi and helping out on the crime-fighting scene.
Helena desperately wished for a way to get a hold of Bruce. She had fucked up bad this time and needed advice. Alfred swore up and down he had no idea where Master Bruce, or Miss Barbara, had gone. Helena knew he wasn't telling her something.
When Alfred found her in a heap on the workout room floor, spent from pounding the bag for hours, lack of sleep and crying until she made herself sick, he finally relented and told Helena where she could find Barbara. That had been a week ago. Every night since she had watched the apartment, shadowing Barbara's movements when she did leave. If anything were to happen to her, Helena wanted to be there to make sure she was safe. It took losing the woman she loved to realize just what she had done. She wanted to go over and throw herself at Barbara's feet and beg forgiveness. Just forgiveness. She didn't feel worthy enough for Barbara to take her back. The deafening thunderclap robbed Helena of her hearing for a few moments. Not her eyesight. She saw Barbara turn from the window and move into the room.
Helena dropped down 5 stories to the fire escape directly across from Barbara's window. When she still didn't see the red head after an hour, and she knew Barbara hadn't left - she got worried. Dropping to the street she made her way up Barbara's building to just outside the window. She heard Barbara crying in anguish.
For an eternity, Helena listened to the woman she loved more than life cry her heart out. The pain Helena felt was worse knowing she was the cause. Closing her eyes against her own tears, Helena made to jump down, resolving to leave the city. She stopped, when she heard the radio being turned up. The song played through, the words hitting the core of Helena's being. Then it started again. Ok, Barbara had a CD playing, not the radio. Helena listened to the words again.
It was as if Helena's heart knew more than her brain, and Helena found herself inside the building heading up the stairs. She didn't remember dropping to the sidewalk. The lyrics were haunting her and pulling her on. Stopping outside Barbara's door, she listened as the song started over again.
You know it only
Breaks my heart
To see you standing
In the dark alone
Waiting there for me
To come back
I'm too afraid to show
It's coming over you
It's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to sea
And I wanna be with you
And you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded,
Stranded, stranded
Helena lifted her hand to the door and placed it flat against the wood panel. She slipped slowly down in the doorway, the emptiness finally becoming all too heavy to bear any longer.
Meanwhile, Barbara had finally resolved to get out of the apartment; she needed, wanted, Helena to know why she had left and why she wasn't coming back. In fact, she had decided, she was going to leave New Gotham. She couldn't bear to be in the city any longer. It was all too much. Too many memories combined with too much loss.
I can only take so much
These tears are
Turning me to rust
I know you're waiting there
For me to come back
I'm too afraid to show
Barbara turned her chair toward the door. She reached for the doorknob to open the door. As it swung open, a soaked, sobbing form tumbled into the foyer at Barbara's feet. Her heart stopped in her chest. How had Helena found her? She was shocked at Helena's appearance. That she was here at Barbara's door and the obvious physical changes. Helena looked awful. It looked as if she had lost ten pounds or more.
It's coming over you
It's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to sea
And I wanna be with you
And you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded,
Stranded, stranded
Slowly, Helena raised her eyes to meet red-rimmed green eyes, expecting to see such anger and hatred, that she was shaking uncontrollably. Within her sunken face, her blue eyes burned in an intensity caused by pain, self-recrimination and love for Barbara. In a ragged, hoarse voice she whispered, "I'm sorry." Her head dropped back down.
I miss you, I need you
without you, I'm stranded
I love you so come back
I'm not afraid to show
In mere moments, Barbara's memory replayed all the arguments, all the scenes that had played out between them since Bruce left for the second time. This time catching all the nuances she had not seen before due to being too deep into her anger and pain. She now knew that Helena and Dinah were telling the truth. Helena wasn't guilty of cheating on her. But she was guilty of abandoning their relationship. Barbara closed her eyes and released the breath she had been holding and let her head fall forward. An icy cold hand touched hers tentatively. As she opened her eyes, the tremors coursing through the body in front of her registered. The righteous anger melted and she turned her warm hand over and encircled the icy digits.
It's coming over you
It's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to sea
And I wanna be with you
And you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded,
Stranded, stranded
("Stranded" by Plumb)
Both women knew that it would take a lot of work to over come the devastation that had been wrought over the past six months, but each had just taken the initial step that was needed to start on the path of putting the pieces back together.
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